Have I gotten my Dad back?

I have been emailing with my Dad for the first time in over ten years. As I mentioned in a previous post, he asked for forgiveness for shutting me out for being gay and asked for a chance at a relationship. In order for me to have a worthy relationship I felt I needed to be open and honest about my family. This meant explaining that my spouse is a transgender man and so is my secondary partner and that together we are a polyamorous triad.

Explaining this to a man who was, and likely still is, a conservative Christian and only just came to accept the thought of a lesbian daughter is a tall order. (I decided not to go into my identity as genderqueer. It seemed like too much and I don’t care if he uses female pronouns for me.) So I wrote an email carefully describing my family and its structure. I told my Dad it was up to him what he wanted to do with this information. I appreciated him reaching out to me and that will always mean a lot to me. I sent the email off and prepared for at least a confused, struggling message back or something worse.

My Dad responded in a way that I never expected. He wrote back with humor. He made jokes. Gentle, funny jokes that were supportive and some at his own expense. He made a joke how it must be awful to go bed shopping! O.o It was funny and charming. He didn’t flip out. He accepted that this was the way I live and that to have a relationship with me he had to be okay with that. He likely thinks it is wrong but he doesn’t bother to say so. I respect that. He made a crack that I couldn’t just be a boring lesbian but he ended it with a smiley face so I knew it was a gentle jab.

I never expected this. I’m not prepared for this. I had accepted that he would never be comfortable with me. That our relationship would never be a possibility. Now I’m starting to hope. I’m starting to think that maybe I was wrong. Maybe it is possible for us to have a relationship after all.

Message from my father

I just got an email from my father. I haven’t spoken to him in ten years. My dad cut off contact with me because I am queer. 

Tonight I received an email that just said this:

Please forgive my narrow-mindedness. Is there a way we can have any relationship?

I’m shocked. I’m flabbergasted. I never thought I’d hear from my dad again. I had made my peace with never having a relationship with him. I had accepted that I might not even be contacted if he died. But now…a request for forgiveness…..an invitation for contact.

I’m afraid to hope too much but it is a good start. Now if I could just figure out how to respond. 

2015 in review and looking forward

Time for 2015 in review! This year was tough but I’m so proud of myself for making it through. I was fighting a depressive episode all year. It didn’t let up once until this last month. However I didn’t stop fighting it the entire time. I kept trying new things to beat my depression. I kept going back to my psychiatrist to tried new medications. I kept up on my weekly therapy. I tried a couple different group therapy situations. I meditated. I started going to Fat Yoga. After all that I finally decided to do the thing that scared me the most, Electroconvulsive Therapy. I was brave, determined to get better and it paid off. My depression has gotten better. I’m not completely depression free but I’m better. I worked really hard for this.

Now for 2016. What do I want out of next year? I definitely want to keep up with ECT. I am moving to a maintenance schedule for ECT to keep up the gains I’ve made so far. So now I’m what about goals for the new year. Here is what I’m thinking:

1) Stop assigning good/bad values to food. A food isn’t good or bad it is just food. If I stop thinking of something as bad I’ll stop judging myself harshly for eating it. I want to focus on eating mindfully and enjoying all my food instead of being judgemental.

2) Go back to yoga on a regular basis but not beat myself up if I take a break now and then. I love my yoga studio and my yoga teacher rocks. It makes me feel good when I go. However, I don’t want this to be one of those resolutions where I don’t do it once in a while then feel guilty and down on myself. So part of this goal is to be kind and supportive of myself when I skip a class.

3) Take more selfies. Selfies are empowering. Posting more pictures of myself promotes self-acceptance and encourages me to embrace myself as I am.

I think that is it! Seems like a good list of goals for the new year. Now I’m off to ring in the new year with my family, some tasty snacks and a little champagne. I hope everyone has a safe and fun night. Wishing all my readers a wonderful new year filled with possibility.

Reading again

When I become depressed I stop doing things that make me happy, mostly because I can’t focus. Depression makes me fuzzy-headed and unable to concentrate. I especially stop reading. For the last year I’ve barely read anything. I used to be a voracious reader. Last week I picked up my Kindle, loaded with several unread books, and started reading. It was wonderful! It really made me feel like myself again. I’m not as focused and fast as I used to be, before this last horrible depressive episode, but just to be reading again is great. This is how I know I’m doing better.

For love of country

I never thought the hateful rhetoric would get this bad in the U.S. by people potentially in power. Maybe that is naïve of me. 

However, I now feel compelled to state, for the record, that I will not stand by and let people destroy the values of my country. If my government tries to block Muslims, lable Muslims or place them in internment camps I will be one of the many standing up to fight against this injustice. 

In the meantime, I am registered to vote and you better believe I will be participating in the elections. Hopefully, a vote will be all it takes to stop these un-American spouting yahoos from getting power.

Genderqueer in the hospital

Electroconvulsive therapy is done checked into the hospital. I have to be given a bracelet, a bed, a hospital gown, an IV, the whole deal. It’s a day procedure so I’m out in about four hours. But during those hours I’m a fully checked in patient. 

As a genderqueer I’ve been in a quandary about my pronouns while checked in to the hospital. Gender neutral pronouns, like they/them/their, are still unusual enough to trip people up. Not that I care that much about people struggling with my pronouns it’s just….well, I care more about them getting my IV in on the first try. However, I’m still called “Ms/Ma’am/Lady” constantly and it is starting to get to me. (Side note: The fact that it is getting to me is a good sign that my depression is lifting.) So now I go to this place twice a week where I’m misgendered and, me being conflict-adverse, am not sure how to handle it. If it was just for a one off surgery/procedure I’d probably just let it slide but I have four more sessions at least.  Also, I feel like I have a duty to put myself out there as a genderqueer mental health patient, to make it easier when another genderqueer makes their way into the ECT procedure floor. So how do I balance my desire to inform the five or six people I see each ECT (often different people each time I’m there) with my desire to leave them to their work of caring for me? More pressing, how do I feel confident doing this in one of those crappy-ass hospital gowns with my ass hanging out? This is what I am pondering tonight.

Shocking

The other night was the first time I’d seen ECT portrayed in the movies since I became an ECT patient. I found it very disturbing and actually pissed me off a bit. 

It was pretty typical for an ECT scene. The patient was being held against their will. There were restraints used and no anesthesia or muscle relaxant was used. The patient fully convulsed. It was violent and violating. This is what people think of when they hear electroconvulsive therapy. This horrifies me. I see the portrayal of ECT in the movies and tv and it is no wonder there is a stigma against it. It’s no wonder I was reluctant to consider it as a treatment when all I knew was what media shows. This isn’t just in movies about the bad old days of ECT. Modern ECT is shown this way as well. It’s damaging and, in my opinion, lazy storytelling done for shock value only.

It is nothing like that in real life. In real life I chose to undergo ECT. I’m given anesthesia so I’m out during the procedure. I’m also given a muscle relaxant that stops my body from convulsing during the seizure. I feel nothing. The worse thing I get is a headache afterwards and they give me pain pills for that. That is real ECT. I wish I would see that in the media.

Survivor Day

Trigger Warning: mention of suicide

Today is International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. http://www.survivorday.org/

In 2005, my mother took her own life. She saw no way out. She left behind my younger brother and myself. 

It has been ten years and I still have doubts that I did enough. I still feel guilty that I didn’t know how bad it was for her. Ten years and her suicide still effects me deeply. I can’t remember my mother without remembering how she chose to die. That hurts almost as much as the fact that she is gone. 

I’m not sure what I want to say today. I just wanted to note this day…as a survivor of loss.

If you are struggling, please get help. You are worth it and someone cares.

Call 911 or

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

Text: 1-800-799-4TTY

Military Vets: 1-800-273-TALK  Press 1

LGBTQ Youth: 1-866-4-U-TREVOR

http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

Memory leak?

I think I had an ECT side effect.

I do most of my household’s grocery shopping. As a result, I know all the brands we like and where everything is at our local store. I pride myself on this. It’s my job after all. I’m the homemaker for this household. 
The other day I was sending Author (partner #2) out to pick up some things since I had other errands to run. I usually give detailed notes about brands and locations of items when handing over the list. There was one item I just couldn’t remember the brand…or the location…or even the packaging color. This is highly unusual for me. It made me wonder, is this part of the memory issues they talk about from ECT? Or could this just be a fluke? 

Author found the item and recognized the packaging for the right brand. As soon as he got it home and I saw it I thought “of course!” 

I’ve had 5 ECT treatments so far. Last treatment my doctor said 6 tends to be the magic number when things start to really change for many patients. However, with each treatment I know these little memory leaks become more possible. So far, it still feels worth it.

Rocking an ECT hairstyle

There are a lot of things they warn you about when starting ECT. Nothing really prepares you for the reality of ECT. There are annoying little things they don’t warn you about. Or at least my place didn’t warn me. 

One of these things is the goop in the hair. There is this conductive gel that goes on your head. Where on the head depends on the kind of ECT you are getting. Mine is on the top of my head and the right side of my head. It’s like really stiff hair gel when it dries and makes my hair all wacky. No one warned me to bring a comb or a hat for after. The first time I just desperately tried to rub the stuff out with a wet washcloth which wasn’t that effective. It washes out pretty easy with shampoo but it dries out my hair too. I’ve since cut my hair even shorter than usual so that the gel messes it up less. Yes, that’s right. I changed my hairstyle to deal with this aspect of ECT. 

Compared to the memory side effects or the post-ECT headaches the gel is super minor. Still it mattered to me, especially that first time. I’ve made it a ritual to grab a fancy coffee after getting out so I want to look at least okay when I leave the hospital. Having a hat or a comb or, in my case, super-short-spiky hair helps me feel more confident and comfortable after my treatment.

So there you go…an ECT beauty tip. Bring a hat or a comb if you don’t have spiky short hair.