2015 in review and looking forward

Time for 2015 in review! This year was tough but I’m so proud of myself for making it through. I was fighting a depressive episode all year. It didn’t let up once until this last month. However I didn’t stop fighting it the entire time. I kept trying new things to beat my depression. I kept going back to my psychiatrist to tried new medications. I kept up on my weekly therapy. I tried a couple different group therapy situations. I meditated. I started going to Fat Yoga. After all that I finally decided to do the thing that scared me the most, Electroconvulsive Therapy. I was brave, determined to get better and it paid off. My depression has gotten better. I’m not completely depression free but I’m better. I worked really hard for this.

Now for 2016. What do I want out of next year? I definitely want to keep up with ECT. I am moving to a maintenance schedule for ECT to keep up the gains I’ve made so far. So now I’m what about goals for the new year. Here is what I’m thinking:

1) Stop assigning good/bad values to food. A food isn’t good or bad it is just food. If I stop thinking of something as bad I’ll stop judging myself harshly for eating it. I want to focus on eating mindfully and enjoying all my food instead of being judgemental.

2) Go back to yoga on a regular basis but not beat myself up if I take a break now and then. I love my yoga studio and my yoga teacher rocks. It makes me feel good when I go. However, I don’t want this to be one of those resolutions where I don’t do it once in a while then feel guilty and down on myself. So part of this goal is to be kind and supportive of myself when I skip a class.

3) Take more selfies. Selfies are empowering. Posting more pictures of myself promotes self-acceptance and encourages me to embrace myself as I am.

I think that is it! Seems like a good list of goals for the new year. Now I’m off to ring in the new year with my family, some tasty snacks and a little champagne. I hope everyone has a safe and fun night. Wishing all my readers a wonderful new year filled with possibility.

Reading again

When I become depressed I stop doing things that make me happy, mostly because I can’t focus. Depression makes me fuzzy-headed and unable to concentrate. I especially stop reading. For the last year I’ve barely read anything. I used to be a voracious reader. Last week I picked up my Kindle, loaded with several unread books, and started reading. It was wonderful! It really made me feel like myself again. I’m not as focused and fast as I used to be, before this last horrible depressive episode, but just to be reading again is great. This is how I know I’m doing better.

For love of country

I never thought the hateful rhetoric would get this bad in the U.S. by people potentially in power. Maybe that is naïve of me. 

However, I now feel compelled to state, for the record, that I will not stand by and let people destroy the values of my country. If my government tries to block Muslims, lable Muslims or place them in internment camps I will be one of the many standing up to fight against this injustice. 

In the meantime, I am registered to vote and you better believe I will be participating in the elections. Hopefully, a vote will be all it takes to stop these un-American spouting yahoos from getting power.

Genderqueer in the hospital

Electroconvulsive therapy is done checked into the hospital. I have to be given a bracelet, a bed, a hospital gown, an IV, the whole deal. It’s a day procedure so I’m out in about four hours. But during those hours I’m a fully checked in patient. 

As a genderqueer I’ve been in a quandary about my pronouns while checked in to the hospital. Gender neutral pronouns, like they/them/their, are still unusual enough to trip people up. Not that I care that much about people struggling with my pronouns it’s just….well, I care more about them getting my IV in on the first try. However, I’m still called “Ms/Ma’am/Lady” constantly and it is starting to get to me. (Side note: The fact that it is getting to me is a good sign that my depression is lifting.) So now I go to this place twice a week where I’m misgendered and, me being conflict-adverse, am not sure how to handle it. If it was just for a one off surgery/procedure I’d probably just let it slide but I have four more sessions at least.  Also, I feel like I have a duty to put myself out there as a genderqueer mental health patient, to make it easier when another genderqueer makes their way into the ECT procedure floor. So how do I balance my desire to inform the five or six people I see each ECT (often different people each time I’m there) with my desire to leave them to their work of caring for me? More pressing, how do I feel confident doing this in one of those crappy-ass hospital gowns with my ass hanging out? This is what I am pondering tonight.

Shocking

The other night was the first time I’d seen ECT portrayed in the movies since I became an ECT patient. I found it very disturbing and actually pissed me off a bit. 

It was pretty typical for an ECT scene. The patient was being held against their will. There were restraints used and no anesthesia or muscle relaxant was used. The patient fully convulsed. It was violent and violating. This is what people think of when they hear electroconvulsive therapy. This horrifies me. I see the portrayal of ECT in the movies and tv and it is no wonder there is a stigma against it. It’s no wonder I was reluctant to consider it as a treatment when all I knew was what media shows. This isn’t just in movies about the bad old days of ECT. Modern ECT is shown this way as well. It’s damaging and, in my opinion, lazy storytelling done for shock value only.

It is nothing like that in real life. In real life I chose to undergo ECT. I’m given anesthesia so I’m out during the procedure. I’m also given a muscle relaxant that stops my body from convulsing during the seizure. I feel nothing. The worse thing I get is a headache afterwards and they give me pain pills for that. That is real ECT. I wish I would see that in the media.